My Rants!

Disclaimer:

The contents of this blog is of humorous, satirical and entertaining nature however, with that being stated let me start by saying that this is a compilation of some of my pet peeves and opinions which may be politically incorrect for some or slightly exaggerated for others but as an American protected under the first amendment of the Constitution here goes my rant, if you are offended or disagree on anything stated within you might want to reconsider which of these categories you may fall under and begin redeeming yourself. 

Door Manners:

It is extremely rude and inconsiderate to not hold or thank the person who is holding the door for you unless its your prison warden escorting you out to your execution, other than that any person that takes time to stop reading their texts or sipping their beverage to allow you the courtesy of not having to come out of your inertia deserves a big THANK YOU with a smile and a wink. 

Loud Obnoxious Phone Conversations:

Okay okay, you may be a little excited over the fact that you finally found someone to  listen on the other end (granted there is someone on the other end) but the rest of us mortals should not be subjected to your barrage of banality often laced with a lack of eloquence, poise and timing, how you think you may have contracted an STD at “that party” or how you think the kid isn't yours should be something between you, your counselor or a Maury Povich casting intern not the rest of the MTA users or Starbucks. 

Loud Music in Cars:               

Alright so your sound system is state of the art and you know all the words to the song but next time you want to audition for American Idol let it not be at the light, some of us actually have thinking to do and it’s hard to do it on hardcore Rap or Techno.                             

Denim Overload:                       

Unless you're on your way to a rodeo show or have been casted as the understudy for “Annie Get Your Gun” please avoid this fashion faux-pas and leave the 70's circa Charlie's Angel look where it ought to be.. in Nostalgia! 

Inventing Monikers: 

Let me break it to you slowly, unless you're a celebrity and when I mean celebrity I mean one in the entertainment or sports realm much like the Beckhams or the Jolie-Pitts, you really should not venture on the creative name-making machine, in doing so you are making your poor child a likely target for bullies or other playmate's taunts. Remember when you're rich and famous, funny names=Exotic or Cute, when you're an average Joe a funny name = collective laughter at the DMV. 

Oh and please don't get me started on generation naming...Joe Schmoe IV, John Doe III etc.., I'm okay with the Sr. and Jr. suffix (why should the son pay for the sins of the Poppa or vice-versa) but if you’re not a Catholic Pope or a member of a royalty, or of a financial dynasty like the Rockefellers or the Whitneys, who the hell cares who your Great Great Grand Daddy was? Like really, “So you come from a long line of pickpocketers? Wanna come over for dinner?"-please uphold lineage only if there is really one that one day may be worth mentioning in a history book.

Quai-Bipolar People:

Okay so let me clarify by saying that I know that Bipolar Disorder is a serious and delicate mental illness that many people suffer from and I respect that but what I’m talking about here are those people that you encounter everywhere from your inner circle, family, friends to outside, work environment or supermarket checkout line.

Those people that you say “Good Morning” to and just keep walking without reciprocating and then later on come over to you and ask to borrow ten bucks as if nothing happened. These people really need a reality check, which I’m often readily available to provide, my comeback for these species is usually providing them with their own dose of medicine, I ignore them when their ties get caught in the shredder machine or they’re in the next bathroom stall and their toilet tissue runs out, aah, you see there’s a lovely thing call Karma, and I know how to use it! (wink , wink).

Bad Attitudes:

My mom always use to say something that I thought was pretty funny yet insightful, she would say, that when people were not aesthetically gifted they should not have bad attitudes because that only made them look uglier than what the good Lord had already intended them to be. So here’s the moral of that story people:

If you are beautiful and mean you’re a BITCH!

If you are ugly and mean you’re an UGLY ASS BITCH!

So people, always remember to smile, even if it’s from the inside, it will do good for your soul and will frighten less children J.

I Exist therefore I am..I think?

I begin this blog with the distortion of Rene Descartes own famous ponder simply because I felt the urge to capture my own philosophical brainstorming and experiences towards life, specifically my own and see where I stand thus far. When I was in my teens and part of my early adult life I use to question my existentialism, who am I? Why am I here? What's in store for me? But for the most part those lingering questions were usually answered by my mother yelling "who the hell do you think you are? The Queen of England? Well you're not! Now go clean your room!"...umm, the old Dominican Parenting reality check!! Descartes, Socrates et al would have not been able to strive or survive in my household. Later in my college years out in Dominican Republic I began to question my spirituality, I recall that on my first year I struck a conversation with a young handsome kid hanging outside my campus. He had a bald shaven head, attractive wooden bead necklace and bracelet, he wore a white linen tunic which I thought then looked very "indie-chic", he began by asking me if I was happy with myself and with my life? Whoa!! Today I could answer that question so easily and in so many different ways but back then I was just a young high school grad pursuing a higher education for the first time, so my reply was "I guess" with a shrug of shoulders. He proceeded to give me a paper flyer with directions to a temple and a Hindu mantra, he sold me some incense sticks and walked away saying "Hare Krishna Hare Hare". I remember coming home, lighting the incense in my room and reading the flyer with its brief history of the Hare Krishna movement. The smell of the incense went perfect with Joplin's "Me & Bobby McGee" musical background, I think I even memorized and chanted the mantra at times, I had no intentions of shaving my head or giving up my Western world materialistic ways but somehow it felt cool to chant in a different language and not know what the hell I was saying. Well of course my brief encounter into Hindu spiritualism was short lived by my zealot Catholic mother's flare. One day storming into my room and finding a smoking incense stick and the Hare Krishna flyer she accused me of trying to burn down the house and performing witchcraft. Later on I met several people with different and eclectic views on life from every spectrum. Having been brought up Catholic I always had some trouble connecting with those of Agnostic or Atheist thinking. How could one not believe in the existence of a higher being? Somehow I refused to think we were that simple and boring, "C'mon now, there must be something or someone you believe in?" I once asked thus commencing my introduction into to Nietzsche and Freud. A then friend of very nihilistic nature suggested I read.  As I grew older, wiser and less impressionable I became comfortable with the knowledge that the world was my oyster and sometimes I would have to deal with its pearls or slim but either way it was up to me to discern how to deal or overcome its encounters. In a world with so much global stress and uncertainty I have chosen to live it day by day with the firm goal of being a more productive and benign person than I was the day before.  Spiritually and morally speaking I have learned that my body,mind and heart will accept, reject, outgrow or overcome any circumstance or event in due time. Sigmund Freud once described himself as being completely estranged from his father's religion or any other religion but considered himself essentially a Jew by nature with no intentions of altering such nature, from a religious point I believe I do have some Christian tendencies too embedded to be altered as Sigmund stated and I choose to believe in a God, my God, a Supreme Being or force that looks out for me and my family in times of need because the notion of none would be so inconvenient and taxing! But I too can say today that I am essentially a loyal, curious, caring and sometimes dysfunctional individual by nature with no intentions of altering my essence unless of course its for a focus project group that will pay me very well and provide great lodging…hey! I’m still a work in progress and I know I exist because I’ve got bills to pay!

Why when it comes to Sex we are not the Weakest and the Dumbest.

The recent whirlwind of scandalous and media frenzy events have proven to me something that has always been very obviously plausible, that when it comes to sexual power and persuasion we women have the upper hand and smarts that our male counterparts lack. From biblical times, Eve persuading and ultimately convincing Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, Cleopatra seducing and enticing powerful men of her time to shower her with gifts and fight for her affection to Mata Hari, the seductive Dutch exotic dancer/courtesan that harbored many secrets of states due to the many prominent and powerful men in the military and political arena that she would bring to her bed. In the past couple of days we have seen a string of powerful and quasi intelligent men, some even Ivy-leaguers, some sportsmen and some vying for your vote some day. In a short span we have seen all these powerful men, from Elliot Spitzer, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to most recently Congressman Anthony Weiner all fall victims of what I like to call "Little Head Thinking"  yes, because all of these men in a fraction of time did not stop to consider all the serious consequences that their behaviors would put them in. I was just watching an old rerun of "Sex and the City" where the famous quartet of women were discussing the infidelity of Charlotte's new boyfriend to which Samantha retorted in her usual witty and smoldering tone.."Honey, men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls, because they can"..well although I am with Sam on this one I think it's more "because they can't help themselves". I am pretty sure that many of these men can deliver a speech, play an entire tournament or figure out a national budget under a hail of bullets or detonating grenades but if one gal were to flash them unexpectedly they will stumble and lose track of all thought, physical composure and sometimes reasoning. Yeah ladies, we are that powerful specially when the men we encounter are little head thinking. Yes former President Clinton came under fire for his indiscretion, but it was already rumored way back when he was Governor and running for the presidency of all of his frolicking and his womanizing streak, so of course it was logical (at least to him) that if he could get away with it then it would be easier as ruler of the free world and well, the rest is history now. A man that was capable of  commanding an entire country could not foresee a young impressionable intern gabbing off and storing away DNA on a dress from The Gap's sales rack. Former Governor Spitzer was able to fight and conquer Wall Street but needed to be reminded by a young hooker to wear a condom before the party could begin. Pretty politician John Edwards fathered an illegitimate child with his mistress and later tried to vehemently deny it while trying to run for office, umm..denial that can actively and most effectively be proven with a DNA test, oh and if that wasn't enough he also paid his campaign aide to assume the paternity of the lovechild and to run around town along with the man's own wife and the pregnant mistress hiding in hotels while he pursued his political itinerary with his ailing wife on tow. Then we have "The Gobernator" the worst of all in my humble opinion. Like Bill Mahr would say, who knew he was actually such a great actor..the ability to engage and sustain an affair with the help within the premises of his own home and a few feet away from his spouse and children is unbelievable. And although in his case he was able to get away with it for a longer time than his other political peers could, the results and the audacity of his actions could not even been excusable for Conan The Barbarian.

Lastly we have Congressman Weiner, the cyber adulterer. Anthony Weiner one of the most passionate and vocal representatives Democrats have in the house suddenly became the sexually repressed nerdy computer geek with a penchant for social networking and sexting while not even concealing his identity and occupation and sealing the deal by actually tweeting pictures, like seriously?

And that is where all the aforementioned men have gone wrong, thinking that they can get away with it based on the power they have socially,politically and financially.  The women involved in these tryst are usually not their intellectual equal, the realm covers an eclectic mix of interns, domestic workers, prostitutes, porn stars and strippers. Yes probably most of these women can not recite Voltaire or entertain a substantial conversation with their suitors but all that did not matter because at the end of the day, sex was the name of the game, where the smarter became dumber and the inconspicuously harmless object of desire suddenly became the deadly Mantis ripping off their heads along with their careers, dignity, respect and credibility right after the mating has taken place and the news has been leaked to TMZ.

Dating, Mating & Settling

The other night I started watching the new series on VH1 "Single Ladies" a hybrid of "Sex and the City" and "Girlfriends", another attempt to chronicle and capitalize on the modern woman's maidenhood with its struggles, its dilemmas and its many challenges some as dramatic and tragic as a Greek opus and others as comical and outlandish as a Lady Gaga outfit. The truth is that although many of us can relate to the stories portrayed in these shows it’s a very difficult terrain to wage specially in this day and time. Back yonder in the times of our mothers and grandmas marriage was not an option but a necessity, a woman had to secure a provider from a financial standpoint as well as for a "blood line" continuation. The phrase "bare foot and pregnant" meant bliss for many although the actual notion of standing preggers in a kitchen slaving over a hot stove for a man that couldn't even afford you shoes seems ludicrous to me. As with many generations I'm sure some women married off to their high school sweetheart, their beloved soul mate or with that distant cousin twice removed and conveniently available at the time. The rest were left to fend with the stigma of Spinstery which garnished them the option of becoming the grumpy bitter aunt with a fetish for Marlboro Reds and Solitaire or running off to the nearest convent, if no man wanted them at least there was still one man left that would never let them down or turn on them... Jesus! The ultimate redeemer.

Today women still face the same challenges but with different options, options that grant them the choices in the title above of dating, mating or settling. Let's analyze the dating scene back in the day of our female ancestors. They dealt with courtship, a much more attractive and lucrative style, the guy was required to show up with a bouquet of flowers and a box of Bom-Boms before ringing that doorbell, men were expected to impress from the first moment an inkling of interest or attraction was manifested by the damsel of choice, so women would fall for chivalry, attention to detail and Old Spice cologne. Nowadays the scenario is quite different and at times disturbing, for starters men will show up at your door empty handed and asking to use your bathroom (WTH?), they will ask you where you would like to go versus taking the initiative of making a reservation for let’s just say, the sake of an element of surprise and sometimes when you provide them the answer they either don't know what you’re talking about or the idea of eating rolls of raw fish with wooden sticks seems repulsive ergo making Nobu out of the question, so you decide to allow them to impress you with their own selection and insight and somehow you either end up in a loud sports bar or  at Hooters. Normally this modern version of courtship called dating will not end well because its foundation is shaky to begin with, the difference between then and now is that your date back then would've eaten an Eel roll even if he had to fight back his gag reflex just to impress you so. The courtship was about you and all you had to do was show up and look good the rest was covered. Nowadays we so often let dates who are basically just good looking or attractive strangers dictate what is suppose to be our "time", in the midst of our confusion and indecision we fall victim of a tolerance that later on will become annoyance and frustration and possibly warrant the change of your cell phone number.

Moving on to the topic of Mating  again lets time-travel back to the days of our ancestors, mating was normally a duty that was part of the marriage package, procreational mating was so essential that back then many men would leave or divorce their spouses if these could not bore a child because mating more than a nature call was the continuation of a lineage or name, wives were meant to be mothers not lovers.

Fortunately today we have an upper hand on the ladies that came before us, mating is our choice and thanks to feminist and sexual liberation movements we can make the decision of whether we keep the Stallion or dump the Ass (no pun intended).

Speaking of Stallions, I once had a boss who was into horses; he owned his own stable and a couple of thoroughbreds. He told me a story or tale which till this day I don’t know if it’s factual or not as my extent of equine knowledge is limited. He said that Stallions could roam the pastures and mate with different Mares but would always be attached to a “main Mare” whom they would stick by and protect.  He told me about how he would take this one Stallion away from his main Mare to bring into another stable and mate with another Mare and after the mating would take place the horse would neigh and jump up and down until taken back to his four-legged lady love, he cited this anecdote as the prelude to why men could never be integrally faithful creatures but yet sentimentally attached to one person much like the stallion that can easily mate with many different mares but can not spend the night in another stable. It’s nature my dear he said to me, men mate often but women mate stronger!

The truth is that in today’s world mating or sexual relations can take many shapes or forms, that range from genuine love-making to the infamous “booty call” or one night stand. The parties involved in any of the aforementioned dynamics will be the ones to determine the validity or success of this essential part of dating. Many women can look back and name their best lover and the love of their lives, often being both the same person or sometimes not. 

Finally we come to Settling, a term so scary for many and complacent for others. At family gatherings and parties you may hear the nosy relative that yelps out “so when are you settling down?” as if you were some sort of emotionally impaired traveling circus who refuses to nail your carp down and settle with that one clown.  Settling should not be an option but a reward to both men and women. We should be able to settle with that one person that fills our heart and head with all the right feelings and notions, whether we choose to legally wed or simply live in sin with a joint mortgage. What I have learned through out my own experiences is that one should never date, mate or settle with a person that can not appreciate and respect your innate femininity, intellect and body.  At the end of the day it will be your own self-fulfillment as an individual that will complement your success in life, a feeling that not even wild non-monogamous horses can drag out of you.

My Beauty Tricks for Keeps!

Okay for those of you that know me well you know I’m quite the “make-up” fiend and I do believe that a new shade of lipstick gives you a new lease on life, so I figure why not share all the tricks I’ve learned along the way by trial and error, some I’ve read before and some I’ve given my own spin, hope they prove useful for your own beauty regimen.

Eyes:

• I’ve always read that you curl the lashes with the curler, then apply two coats of mascara for popping and alluring eyes, well my spin has proven to be more effective…I say, apply the two coats of mascara, let it dry for a few seconds then curl the lash pressing the curler for about 2 seconds, usually one press works but if you want even more long and voluminous looking lashes you can go for a second press and a third coat of mascara, try it! Let me know if it works for you.

• Covering those pesky dark circles can be a task of its own, for some reason stress loves to come and visit there first on our face, so what I have always read is that you apply your concealer around your Raccoon eyes and then apply your press powder, well again, I bend the rules and do things backwards, I actually leave this baby for last. After my face is done and before I apply my mascara (this is to avoid smudges and ruining the eye make-up) I apply the concealor in tiny dabs with a sponge or index finger starting with the inner corner of the eye spreading it out and blending it well to cover the lower part of the eye all out to the end of your cheek bone. Practice will prove better than theory, trust me on this, experiment at home and you will see what I mean.

Lips:

I’m constantly being asked “what shade of lipstick is that, it looks great” to which I always retort the line from “Kissing Jessica Stein”, umm..Sorry I blend.. Which is true, I find it hard to commit to one shade and I’m always creating my own gamut of colors. Here is my formula for a fabulous pout:

• Apply lip balm or moisturizer, to smooth out lips.
• I’m not a fan of lip liners, but if your lips are too thin you can define them a bit with one, preferably a light tone close to your skin color, unless you’re a fan of the “The Cure” avoid darker tones specially those that are darker than the lip stain itself.
• Apply a nice shade of lipstick, preferably a cream base, matte or satin (mixing tones of orange and pink, brown and pink and reds with pink) always applying the darker shade first.
• Lastly, apply a clear or sheer gloss and voila! Kiss away!

Hair:

Well since I’ve chopped mine’s all off this is not a trick I use anymore but for those long lock girls who want to achieve a nice sexy, full curl, the kind that looks like you just came from a sultry beach, here goes..just mix water, a dab of your favorite hair conditioner and some salt in a spray bottle and just spray into your damp or even dry hair and within minutes you’ll see curls that even Kyra Sedgwick will envy, and check this out, this trick will even work on your human hair extensions or weaves! Amazing right?

Beauty and the Beast of Infidelity

Okay my friends, given the recent string of events in the media amongst celebrities and possibly family members my question of the day is: Does infidelity or cheating hurt more if the other party is comely or homely looking? I’m inclined to say that if there is any shred of love or trust involved it would hurt terribly either way however, I’m also inclined to think that from an ego standpoint having to contend with a less attractive rival may present a self-soothing vindication of sorts. I’m mean, who trades filet mignon for a whopper? This is a question that may haunt the betrayed party for years to come to which there would be no definite answer as infidelity itself it’s mostly inexplicable even when it may be pathological in some beings. The truth is that people will be attracted to each other for a number of logical and sometimes illogical reasons hence the term “opposites attract”. If a man or woman downgrades such as some may opine in the case of a certain politician or if the man upgrades like a handsome actor did leaving his wife for a more beautiful and successful pursuit does it justify the means? I personally believe that betrayal is unforgivable in any case whether it involves a cow against a Victoria Secret Angel or vice versa. But I’m very interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter. Will it hurt less if it was with a troll or would it hurt more if it were with a Goddess/Adonis? Would you forgive and forget? Let’s hear your thoughts and opinions, it’s free and in the process we may learn from each other so please let your ideas flow and expressions known.