Dating, Mating & Settling

The other night I started watching the new series on VH1 "Single Ladies" a hybrid of "Sex and the City" and "Girlfriends", another attempt to chronicle and capitalize on the modern woman's maidenhood with its struggles, its dilemmas and its many challenges some as dramatic and tragic as a Greek opus and others as comical and outlandish as a Lady Gaga outfit. The truth is that although many of us can relate to the stories portrayed in these shows it’s a very difficult terrain to wage specially in this day and time. Back yonder in the times of our mothers and grandmas marriage was not an option but a necessity, a woman had to secure a provider from a financial standpoint as well as for a "blood line" continuation. The phrase "bare foot and pregnant" meant bliss for many although the actual notion of standing preggers in a kitchen slaving over a hot stove for a man that couldn't even afford you shoes seems ludicrous to me. As with many generations I'm sure some women married off to their high school sweetheart, their beloved soul mate or with that distant cousin twice removed and conveniently available at the time. The rest were left to fend with the stigma of Spinstery which garnished them the option of becoming the grumpy bitter aunt with a fetish for Marlboro Reds and Solitaire or running off to the nearest convent, if no man wanted them at least there was still one man left that would never let them down or turn on them... Jesus! The ultimate redeemer.

Today women still face the same challenges but with different options, options that grant them the choices in the title above of dating, mating or settling. Let's analyze the dating scene back in the day of our female ancestors. They dealt with courtship, a much more attractive and lucrative style, the guy was required to show up with a bouquet of flowers and a box of Bom-Boms before ringing that doorbell, men were expected to impress from the first moment an inkling of interest or attraction was manifested by the damsel of choice, so women would fall for chivalry, attention to detail and Old Spice cologne. Nowadays the scenario is quite different and at times disturbing, for starters men will show up at your door empty handed and asking to use your bathroom (WTH?), they will ask you where you would like to go versus taking the initiative of making a reservation for let’s just say, the sake of an element of surprise and sometimes when you provide them the answer they either don't know what you’re talking about or the idea of eating rolls of raw fish with wooden sticks seems repulsive ergo making Nobu out of the question, so you decide to allow them to impress you with their own selection and insight and somehow you either end up in a loud sports bar or  at Hooters. Normally this modern version of courtship called dating will not end well because its foundation is shaky to begin with, the difference between then and now is that your date back then would've eaten an Eel roll even if he had to fight back his gag reflex just to impress you so. The courtship was about you and all you had to do was show up and look good the rest was covered. Nowadays we so often let dates who are basically just good looking or attractive strangers dictate what is suppose to be our "time", in the midst of our confusion and indecision we fall victim of a tolerance that later on will become annoyance and frustration and possibly warrant the change of your cell phone number.

Moving on to the topic of Mating  again lets time-travel back to the days of our ancestors, mating was normally a duty that was part of the marriage package, procreational mating was so essential that back then many men would leave or divorce their spouses if these could not bore a child because mating more than a nature call was the continuation of a lineage or name, wives were meant to be mothers not lovers.

Fortunately today we have an upper hand on the ladies that came before us, mating is our choice and thanks to feminist and sexual liberation movements we can make the decision of whether we keep the Stallion or dump the Ass (no pun intended).

Speaking of Stallions, I once had a boss who was into horses; he owned his own stable and a couple of thoroughbreds. He told me a story or tale which till this day I don’t know if it’s factual or not as my extent of equine knowledge is limited. He said that Stallions could roam the pastures and mate with different Mares but would always be attached to a “main Mare” whom they would stick by and protect.  He told me about how he would take this one Stallion away from his main Mare to bring into another stable and mate with another Mare and after the mating would take place the horse would neigh and jump up and down until taken back to his four-legged lady love, he cited this anecdote as the prelude to why men could never be integrally faithful creatures but yet sentimentally attached to one person much like the stallion that can easily mate with many different mares but can not spend the night in another stable. It’s nature my dear he said to me, men mate often but women mate stronger!

The truth is that in today’s world mating or sexual relations can take many shapes or forms, that range from genuine love-making to the infamous “booty call” or one night stand. The parties involved in any of the aforementioned dynamics will be the ones to determine the validity or success of this essential part of dating. Many women can look back and name their best lover and the love of their lives, often being both the same person or sometimes not. 

Finally we come to Settling, a term so scary for many and complacent for others. At family gatherings and parties you may hear the nosy relative that yelps out “so when are you settling down?” as if you were some sort of emotionally impaired traveling circus who refuses to nail your carp down and settle with that one clown.  Settling should not be an option but a reward to both men and women. We should be able to settle with that one person that fills our heart and head with all the right feelings and notions, whether we choose to legally wed or simply live in sin with a joint mortgage. What I have learned through out my own experiences is that one should never date, mate or settle with a person that can not appreciate and respect your innate femininity, intellect and body.  At the end of the day it will be your own self-fulfillment as an individual that will complement your success in life, a feeling that not even wild non-monogamous horses can drag out of you.